How to NOT play GTA Online!

April 8, 2014

Here are a few tips of how to NOT play GTA.


  1. Constantly do money glitches as this is the only way you will have any money. When a new patch comes out, immediately search for another money glitch to take advantage of

  2. Own the 400K apartment

  3. Ensure your garage consists of 10 super/sports cars. ADDERS AND ENTITYS ARE A MUST!

    • Give half of your cars chrome paint jobs with brightly coloured SUV rims

    • Drive nothing but the chrome Adder/Entity

  4. Use nothing but sticky bombs when hunting bounties

  5. In free roam, kill everyone in sight

  6. If someone is chasing you and you're all outta sticky bombs, get out of your chrome Entity and spray them to death with your silenced Advanced Rifle, using your auto-aim like a pro

  7. If purchasing a motorbike, choose the Akuma, only because it has the coolest name

  8. Be level 85 with max stats, but make sure stealth stays at half a bar and breathing underwater is at no bars

  9. The only aircraft you should use is the Buzzard and the LAZER

    • Spend an hour to get LAZER to hunt people down only to crash with no kills

  10. Have your mic turned on in every session and make sure your TV audio is loud enough so everyone can hear it through your $5 mic

  11. In missions, turn your vehicle access to no one and leave any players in need of a ride stranded.

    • If you are feeling generous and do have vehicle access turned on, make sure you're driving your chrome Entity so you can crash about 50 times when driving to the mission event, effectively destroying the passenger's armour and reducing their health to 50%

    • If anyone else is using your chrome Entity in the mission for a good reason, kick them out of it immediately

  12. If hosting Base Invaders, set the difficulty to easy

  13. If hosting public races, make sure the track is Criminal Records or Down the Drain

    • Always put custom supercars, catch-up and traffic on when hosting races

    • Honk that annoying fifth musical horn twenty times before the race begins

    • Constantly smash into other racers during races

    • Hold in the handbrake in order to turn corners

    • Like the race if you came first, dislike it if you finished fifth or lessWait for 5 minutes before voting for another job

  14. Join an open crew, kill crew members constantly

  15. In Survival, be sure to take every RPG, launcher, and rifle ammo before anyone else

    • Hide in the back of the map and let the team do all the work

    • Occasionally contribute 5 kills every few waves

    • Die every wave from 4-10

  16. Join a crew with a WEED crew tag

    • Put the marijuana leaf crew emblem on your chrome supercars

  17. If you're a twelve year old, don't forget to set your character's default action as 'Jerk'

  18. Always switch the radio station to Radio Los Santos, especially if you're passenger of someone's car

  19. Hide in your luxurious $400k apartment for 45 minutes when you have a bounty on you

  20. Camp outside the LSC for unsuspecting players with your silenced, ext. mag Automatic Shotgun

  21. Start a mission/race/deathmatch etc 5 seconds after selecting 'Auto Invite and Play' and 'Invite all from Current Session'

  22. See people actually having fun on BMXs; mow them down with your Advanced RifleIn missions, charge into the cluster of enemies and use up all of the team lives in 30 seconds

  23. Someone kills you in retaliation, invite to 1v1 deathmatch; get beat 5-0 while attempting to leave it

  24. Hockey masks intimidate other players and also serve as face protection

  25. When attempting a drive-by, always crash your car and spray your silenced uzi while immobile

  26. Get angry at someone, place $9000 bounty on them, try to claim bounty yourself, get killed a dozen times by the guy with bounty and everyone else

  27. Crash in race -> Start -> Online -> Find New Session

  28. If you end up last in a race somehow, spend the rest of it going around the track and smashing head-first into other racers

  29. Buy a tank with your glitched money in order to increase that 0.86 KD

  30. Join public races, instantly vote for Criminal Records when it appears on the voting screen

  31. Constantly blow up people's cars and leave every survival because you die

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